My Cause

I'm a defender against domestic violence because I have been a victim of it. Also as a tarot reader I have had many clients who were either a victim or an abuser. I feel it's very important to understand how to deal with this situation. Providing this information to you is my way of giving back what has been so freely given to me.

Domestic violence often involves physical, sometimes life-threatening injury. Every year more than one million women seek medical assistance for injuries caused by battering. Battering, moreover, is not limited to physical abuse. Intimidation, isolation, and sexual abuse can also be used to control.

In an estimated 95 percent of domestic violence situations, women are abused by men. For this reason, the battered is assumed to be male, and the person battered, female. However, men are sometimes battered by women, or one partner in a gay or lesbian relationship may be battered.

According to experts, battering relationships are characterized by three phases, sometimes referred to as the Cycle of Violence:

1st PHASE: A period of calm is followed by escalating tension. Minor incidents occur that the woman tries to deny or minimize, sometimes by accepting blame. For example, a husband shoves his wife and calls her "stupid" because the dishes aren't done; the wife rationalizes that she had put off doing the dishes and that was probably stupid of her.

2nd PHASE: When the tension reaches the breaking point, a battering incident occurs. The woman may be hit, kicked, thrown against a wall, raped with a foreign object, or threatened at gun or knife point.

3rd PHASE: Following that incident, the batterer is often remorseful and very loving. Because of the closeness the couple experiences during this "honeymoon" period and the promises the batterer makes, often the woman foregoes any previous plans to leave. She convinces herself it will never happen again. Then the cycle repeats itself.

If you have contact with a woman who has just been battered, prioritize for safety. If she is being threatened or battered at that moment, call the police. Make sure she receives any medical attention she may require. Once she is in a safe place, away from the batterer, your next step is to help her connect with a battered woman's hotline, where she can explore her options. If she is unwilling to make the call or needs further reinforcement regarding her decision, the following information may be helpful to both of you:

If the woman is ready to end the relationship, she may be able to remain in her own home by obtaining a temporary restraining order (TRO). The batterer is ordered not to visit, call, or otherwise harass the woman. Any superior court house will have the necessary forms; most battering hotlines will assist (or refer for assistance) in completing them. In an emergency outside of court hours the police can issue a restraining order by telephone.

Some batterers will respect a restraining order; others will not. A restraining order will not stop bullets! The battered woman knows best whether a restraining order will protect her.

If a restraining order is not enough to ensure her safety, explore the woman's resources. Is there some safe place she can go temporarily?

Does the woman want to go to a battered women's shelter? Typically a shelter offers not only a safe haven but a program of counseling, advocacy, legal assistance, and support for the woman and her children. Give the battered woman whatever information you have regarding the shelter. Most shelters require women to participate in the program, comply with the rules, and refrain from contacting the batterer. Shelters also have outreach programs for women who do not need housing but do need counseling and support.

Unfortunately battered women's shelters are often full. As a last resort, consider a shelter that does not exclusively shelter battered women. These shelters typically do not provide support services, and the environments may not be as pleasant. If the woman is uncomfortable in the shelter, she should keep checking for available space in a battered women's shelter.

Frequently children like their mother are abused. For this reason, always inquire whether the batterer has hurt the children. (In fact, often a woman will endure abuse for herself, but leave once the batterer begins to abuse the children.) If child abuse has occurred, a report to the Child Abuse Hotline needs to be made.

Many battered women's shelters will not take a male child above the age of 10 or 12. Adolescent boys can make others feel uncomfortable in a shared living environment that may lack privacy. Also, boys may identify with their fathers and can be disruptive. Explore other options, such as finding friends or relatives he can stay with.

Batterers can be in a real crisis state, even suicidal, when a battered woman leaves. Typically their goal is to find their partner and persuade or compel her to return. A batterer may tell you his wife or girlfriend is mentally ill or has been brainwashed, or that he just wants to know his children are all right. He can be very manipulative. It is important not to be deceived. If a batterer thinks you know where his partner is or encouraged her to leave, he may also threaten you. If you have contact with batterers, think through what measures you can take to ensure your personal safety.

Although you cannot support the batterer's goal of getting his partner back, you can support him in stopping the battering. Focusing on the real pain he is feeling, rather than on his actions, will help you appear non-judgmental. Let him know that there is help available and offer specific resources. He may not be willing to act on that information now, but perhaps will at a later date.


	Welcome to AstroLou.Com \| home My Cause \| Tarot Stories \| Learn The Tarot \| Learn Astrology My Cause DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WHY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE I'm a defender against domestic violence because I have been a victim of it. Also as a tarot reader I have had many clients who were either a victim or an abuser. I feel it's very important to understand how to deal with this situation. Providing this information to you is my way of giving back what has been so freely given to me. DEFINITION Domestic violence often involves physical, sometimes life-threatening injury. Every year more than one million women seek medical assistance for injuries caused by battering. Battering, moreover, is not limited to physical abuse. Intimidation, isolation, and sexual abuse can also be used to control. In an estimated 95 percent of domestic violence situations, women are abused by men. For this reason, the battered is assumed to be male, and the person battered, female. However, men are sometimes battered by women, or one partner in a gay or lesbian relationship may be battered. A couple of other observations can be made about domestic violence situations: THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE According to experts, battering relationships are characterized by three phases, sometimes referred to as the Cycle of Violence: 1st PHASE: A period of calm is followed by escalating tension. Minor incidents occur that the woman tries to deny or minimize, sometimes by accepting blame. For example, a husband shoves his wife and calls her "stupid" because the dishes aren't done; the wife rationalizes that she had put off doing the dishes and that was probably stupid of her. 2nd PHASE: When the tension reaches the breaking point, a battering incident occurs. The woman may be hit, kicked, thrown against a wall, raped with a foreign object, or threatened at gun or knife point. 3rd PHASE: Following that incident, the batterer is often remorseful and very loving. Because of the closeness the couple experiences during this "honeymoon" period and the promises the batterer makes, often the woman foregoes any previous plans to leave. She convinces herself it will never happen again. Then the cycle repeats itself. HOW CAN YOU HELP? If you have contact with a woman who has just been battered, prioritize for safety. If she is being threatened or battered at that moment, call the police. Make sure she receives any medical attention she may require. Once she is in a safe place, away from the batterer, your next step is to help her connect with a battered woman's hotline, where she can explore her options. If she is unwilling to make the call or needs further reinforcement regarding her decision, the following information may be helpful to both of you: If the woman is ready to end the relationship, she may be able to remain in her own home by obtaining a temporary restraining order (TRO). The batterer is ordered not to visit, call, or otherwise harass the woman. Any superior court house will have the necessary forms; most battering hotlines will assist (or refer for assistance) in completing them. In an emergency outside of court hours the police can issue a restraining order by telephone. Some batterers will respect a restraining order; others will not. A restraining order will not stop bullets! The battered woman knows best whether a restraining order will protect her. If a restraining order is not enough to ensure her safety, explore the woman's resources. Is there some safe place she can go temporarily? Does the woman want to go to a battered women's shelter? Typically a shelter offers not only a safe haven but a program of counseling, advocacy, legal assistance, and support for the woman and her children. Give the battered woman whatever information you have regarding the shelter. Most shelters require women to participate in the program, comply with the rules, and refrain from contacting the batterer. Shelters also have outreach programs for women who do not need housing but do need counseling and support. Unfortunately battered women's shelters are often full. As a last resort, consider a shelter that does not exclusively shelter battered women. These shelters typically do not provide support services, and the environments may not be as pleasant. If the woman is uncomfortable in the shelter, she should keep checking for available space in a battered women's shelter. HELPING CHILDREN WHO HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A VIOLENT HOME Frequently children like their mother are abused. For this reason, always inquire whether the batterer has hurt the children. (In fact, often a woman will endure abuse for herself, but leave once the batterer begins to abuse the children.) If child abuse has occurred, a report to the Child Abuse Hotline needs to be made. Many battered women's shelters will not take a male child above the age of 10 or 12. Adolescent boys can make others feel uncomfortable in a shared living environment that may lack privacy. Also, boys may identify with their fathers and can be disruptive. Explore other options, such as finding friends or relatives he can stay with. HELPING THE BATTERER Batterers can be in a real crisis state, even suicidal, when a battered woman leaves. Typically their goal is to find their partner and persuade or compel her to return. A batterer may tell you his wife or girlfriend is mentally ill or has been brainwashed, or that he just wants to know his children are all right. He can be very manipulative. It is important not to be deceived. If a batterer thinks you know where his partner is or encouraged her to leave, he may also threaten you. If you have contact with batterers, think through what measures you can take to ensure your personal safety. Although you cannot support the batterer's goal of getting his partner back, you can support him in stopping the battering. Focusing on the real pain he is feeling, rather than on his actions, will help you appear non-judgmental. Let him know that there is help available and offer specific resources. He may not be willing to act on that information now, but perhaps will at a later date.